Phoenix Gets His Driver's License
by Turbo Speed
Summary: Phoenix, becoming sick of getting rides from Gumshoe or the taxi, decides to take his driving test. Does he pass? It's funnier if you've played PW:AA. Continued due to good reviews.
1. First Chapter

If you don't know, Nick never had his driver's license in the game. But now he's going to get it. Or is he?

Phoenix Gets His Driver's License

Phoenix sat at the Wright and Co. Law Offices. He lied on the sofa bored with his life. There was no case to take at the moment. He wanted to go somewhere, and he was sick of getting a ride from Gumshoe, who complained to Phoenix to go get a license of his own. Nick was also sick of calling a cab. The fares in taxis would add up fast, and he was tired of losing money.

No more waiting. It was finally time. Today was the day. Phoenix got up from the couch.

"Today, I will get my driver's license!"

---

Nick arrived by taking another taxi to the driving school. He then bumped into a familiar face.

"Hello, Mr. Wright, sir!" Patrolman Meekins greeted Phoenix with a salute and austere face.

"Wha- Meekins?! I thought you worked at-"

"They moved me here, sir! Now I work here! Just get into the line over there to sign some forms to get your driving test administered, sir!" Meekins shouted into his megaphone for no apparent reason.

'I guess somebody was fired at the station,' Phoenix thought to himself.

Phoenix got into the back of a line. The line was extensive and long. It looked like a two hour wait.

"Now I remember another reason I have no license."

---

Phoenix finished waiting and finally filled out his forms. After finishing, he was given a set of car keys and walked outside near a silver car to wait for his evaluator to arrive and test him.

"Yo, Nick!"

Phoenix knew who that was. He turned to see Larry holding a clipboard.

"What are you doing here, Larry?"

"My new girlfriend thought I should get a job he-"

"Never mind, I know the story."

The two of them got seated in the car. Both of them buckled up. Phoenix started the car and held the wheel in his hands.

"Okay, let's get started on your driver's test, Nick."

"Great. I feel confident, Larry. I think I can do it."

"But because the law system of this time period is different, the driving test will be different!"

"Wait, what?!"

"You're going to have to drive better than three other people taking the test. Whoever ranks in the top three wins a license. Now let's see who you're driving up against..."

A pink volkswagen beetle pulled over next to them. The window rolled down. It was Yanni Yogi driving.

"Hey, Keith! You're taking this new-fangled test, too? Ayup."

A blue mustang pulled over next to the volkswagen beetle. The window rolled down. It was Missle the dog behind the wheel. He pointed his paw out at Larry and barked.

"Oh no!" Larry cried out "My poor Samurai Dogs! I can still see them being eaten!"

Larry hadn't forgotten how Missle ate all the Samurai Dogs when Larry had the job of working at a hot dog stand at Gourd Lake.

Lastly, a green sportscar pulled over next to the blue mustang. There was a giant figurine of the Steel Samurai standing on top of it. The driver was none other than Cody Hackins, the second grader and Steel Samurai fanatic.

"YES! I'm going to drive better than you stupid grown-ups!"

So the test began. All the cars drove forward. Phoenix wasn't prepared to lose. He couldn't lose to a brain-damaged man, a second-grade student, and a dog, could he? Could he?

---

An hour had passed. The test was over. Nick drove back to the driving school with what was left of the car, which was smoking and about to explode. Larry had to help Phoenix park the car into place, then they stepped out of the car.

"I can't believe you scored a zero, Nick!" Larry angrily said as he wrote down a score on a clipboard he was holding.

"Aw, c'mon, can't you just pass me?"

"Sorry, Nick, but we're very particular about who we give our licenses to."

Phoenix, trying to think of another argument, turned and saw Yanni, Missle, and Cody being handed their licenses.

"You guys are giving licenses to a brain-damaged man, a dog, and a grade school kid! Surely I did better than they did."

"Nick, you hit the Samurai Dogs stand, you hit Edgeworth's sports car, you hit a brick wall surrounding Gourd Lake, you crashed into the police station, and you nearly hit several people!"

"I'm blaming the car. It sucks and the steering controls weren't even inverted."

"What kind of car has inverted controls, Nick!?"

"I wasn't even able to turn left! I was only able to turn right by shifting into "R" for right, but that made me go backwards! What a stupid car."

"The R stands for reverse! No wonder you don't have a license, Nick!"

"I was guessing the P stood for port, which would let me turn left on the water."

"...I guess you're not turned out to drive, Nick."

"NO! Pass me! Please! Nobody will know!"

Just then, an angry mob of people arrived and surrounded Phoenix.

"There's the whippersnapper who nearly hit me!" Oldbag cried out "Back in my day, we knew how to drive, even though the cars were different, the same principles applied. There were hardly any accidents because people were afraid of them. And also..."

"You! You nearly killed me when I was buying a Samurai Dog!" Grossberg exclaimed while pointing at Phoenix "Then the days of my youth flashed before my eyes. Ahh, the days of my youth..."

"I must vilify your deleterious driving behavior!" Redd White shouted.

"You're a really bad driver, pal!" Gumshoe yelled.

"Wright, you fool. I didn't think you could be worse at anything than presenting evidence, but I was wrong!" Edgeworth said.

"I sentence you to kiss my ass!" the Judge ruled as he slammed his gavel onto Gumshoe's head.

"Let's get him!" Payne shouted.

The entire angry mob chased Phoenix down the street. Maybe Phoenix wasn't going to get his license anytime soon. 


	2. Second Chapter

Due to popular demand and good reviews, I've decided to make one more chapter to this story. I'm going at this part at a different angle, but it gets funnier as it progresses. Trust me.

Phoenix Gets His Driver's License (Part 2)

---

The next day came. Phoenix was injured since he had been chased and beaten by a mob. According to Dr. Hotti's diagnosis yesterday, he had a few sprains but no broken bones. Then Dr. Hotti punched him and said "You almost ran me over... hmm... yes."

Phoenix was sitting at his desk at the Wright and Co. Law Offices. He had been disappointed that he miserably failed his driving test, but that didn't really mean that he was going to just give up after his first try.

Phoenix was reading a book at his desk. "Driving for Lawyers Who Can't Drive," by I. Kandryve. Phoenix read through the book with very careful and elaborate attention to all the diagrams and explanations.

An hour later, Phoenix stood up from his desk triumphantly. The same way he stood up when he decided to get his license.

"Today, I will get my driver's license!"

---

Phoenix arrived at the driving school with yet another taxi. He knew where to go, so he lined up again. The line seemed even longer than before. Possibly a four hour wait.

Eventually, Phoenix was at a replaced silver car holding the keys. Larry approached him with a clipboard, looked afraid, and turned away.

"Wait, Larry!" Phoenix cried out to Larry

"Go away, Nick! First, you badly fail your driver's test, and then my new girlfriend decided to move away to Paris and-"

"Right, and she completely abandoned you to pursue her career as a model. I know the story. But seriously, Larry. I read a book that taught me the basics. I know how to drive now. Just give me the test. I'll pass! Honest!"

"I don't know..."

"Really! Just get in the car. I'll show you, Larry!"

Both Phoenix and Larry sit inside the car. Phoenix puts on his seat belt and starts the ignition with the car key.

"See, Larry? I learned that you need to use the car key to turn on the car! It makes so much sense! I used to think that I used it as some sort of screwdriver to fix the radio when it was broken."

"Well... okay, Nick! I believe in you! I'll get you the traditional driving test; the one in which you will not be compared to others." Larry said enthusiastically as he put on his seat belt.

---

After a very easy test. Phoenix parked the car and both he and Larry exited the car.

"NICK! I can't believe you passed!" Larry shouted victoriously.

"I'm sorry I couldn't do it this time, Larry!" Phoenix began pleading "Just give me one more cha- DID YOU JUST SAY I PASSED!?"

"That's right, Nick! Go pick up your license and we can hit the road!"

---

Later that evening, Phoenix was driving Larry's car, since Phoenix didn't have the money to buy his own yet. They stopped by a store and picked up about thirty five six-packs of longneck beers. All of them were sitting in the backseat. Larry and Phoenix were sitting at the front with a bottle in each hand.

"Here's to your license, Nick!" Larry said as he held up the bottle near the rear view mirror for a toast.

"To my license!" Phoenix toasted.

The two of them continued drinking as they drove around town.

---

A couple of hours of driving later, all the six packs were empty and several empty bottles and empty cardboard containers were crowding the backseat. Larry and Phoenix were still driving.

"Ha ha ha ha... Hey... N-N-Nick! I think I might have just remembered a thing!" Larry laughed.

"HA! You remembered a thing? Ha ha! What thing?" Phoenix cackled.

"Yo, Nick. This is... this... this is... this... is... this is... serious..."

"Then wh-wh-wh-what is it?"

"I think I remembered thinking that there was... there was something... we shouldn't do. I think there were... um... two things! Yeah! They both began with a D! We shouldn't do both of those two things t-t-together..."

"Oh, s-s-s-so we're not... supposed to be playing Dungeons and Dragons? I think we're safe then..."

The two of them hear sirens closing in.

"Nick! The ice cream man is chasing us!" Larry cried.

"YEEEAAA!!! Hit the gas!" Phoenix wailed.

Phoenix stepped on the gas as hard as he could with a sense of impared judgement. The sirens stopped and were followed by the sound of a car door opening and closing.

"...I think they're gone, Larry." Phoenix whispered to Larry.

They look at the side window on Phoenix's side, and see two legs stretching extending upside-down. They get on their knees and open the car door.

"You two are in big trouble, pals!" an upside-down Gumshoe said.

As it turns out, Phoenix and Larry were so drunk that they flipped the car over and hit a sign an hour ago, but the two of them thought they were still on the road the whole time. When Gumshoe opened the car door, he appeared to Phoenix and Larry to be upside down.

Gumshoe angrily pulled both of them out of the car and some policemen started brutally assaulting them. Phoenix passed out.

---

Phoenix awakened in the Detention Center. Maya was on the other side of the glass.

"Nick! How could you!?" Maya yelled angrily "Everybody knows you shouldn't go around drinking and driving! Now they've taken away your license!"

"UGH!!! Maya, not so loud!" Phoenix cried as he held his hands over his ears.

Phoenix did get his license in the end after all, but he lost it in the same day. Looks like Phoenix would have to defend himself in court again, as soon as his headache went away.

THE END 


	3. Third Chapter

Remember the last chapter when I said "THE END" in the previous chapter? I LIED!

Okay, I was bored one day, and this idea just hit me from nowhere. Since there are still some good reviews, I've decided to give this a shot. Once again, I thought of a different angle, but the end result is still satisfying. Before I go on, I want to clarify something: this isn't meant to take place within any kind of PW timeline, if you're wondering. Don't ask questions on it.

Also, Phoenix Wright the game series and any of the characters are not mine. But why the hell do I need to keep writing that? I mean, it's not called for nothing!

Phoenix Gets His Driver's License (Part 3)

Phoenix had come to last time and was face to face with Maya, who had been sobbing and very angry at him for getting a DWI after having his license for only one day. Unfortunately, when Phoenix had awakened, he still had a fair alcohol level, which is probably why he didn't seem completely like himself.

Phoenix had a plan to get himself and Larry off the hook from prison, but since he was still under the influence, his plan didn't seem very good… or logical at all. When he gave Maya his attack plan, she seemed very disgusted with him. She left with only a short sentence and a look of scorn.

"You're on your own, Nick!"

Later on, Phoenix was released so he could have the chance to go to the Wright and Co. Law Offices to work on his case for himself and Larry. He had been driven home in a police car, and stumbled inside the building after getting out of the car.

Before even getting to any actual work, Phoenix went straight inside to his beer supply. He had at least 23 longneck bottles left. After grabbing his first ice-cold bottle and taking the first refreshing gulp, he muttered to himself what he had said to Maya earlier that made her leave feeling repulsed toward him.

"It's alcohol that got me into this; it's alcohol that's getting me out!"

After drinking as much as he could hold down, Phoenix got to work typing a document that he was sure could get him off the hook. He continued typing it on his computer, then leaving to use the bathroom and coming back every 7 minutes.

After 20 minutes, Phoenix printed what he had. It was the only ammo he had for court. The case was tomorrow. He put all his hard work into a single document. It was all or nothing for him.

The courtroom was abuzz with spectators talking about how the Phoenix Wright was defending himself again for the first time since Mia's murder case, and he was also defending Larry at the same time. The judge slammed down his gavel and spoke.

"Court is now in session."

Franziska stood at the prosecution table.

"The prosecution is ready, your honor."

Phoenix, still being slightly drunk, was nervous.

"F-F-Fran-an-z-z-ISKA?! Yo-yo-you're pros-prose-"

Phoenix was trying to say prosecuting, of course, but he pronounced it just a bit wrong.

"You're pros-**prostituting** me?!"

**WHIP!**

"YEEEEEOWCH!"

"Yes, Mr. Phoenix Wright. If I can't simply beat you at court, maybe I can at least get you into jail. That would be just as good."

Franziska put her whip under the table as she noticed how much Phoenix was wobbling. Perhaps this would be easier than she thought.

"Ms. von Karma, your opening statement?" the judge asked her.

"I would normally do just that, but I think Mr. Phoenix Wright has something he wants to say first," she said smiling fiendishly.

"…okay. Is this true, Mr. Wright?" the judge inquired the defense attorney.

"Mmm… mmm… YES! Uh huh! I have something to say!"

Phoenix took out his miracle document and read it orally. He was confident this essay would get him off the hook.

"Yay verily,

"A friend of mine and me are under fire by the court system for drinking happy fluids, mainly because the court system is controlled by douchebags. But I have a very good reason why we are not guilty.

"It all began at the beginning of time, when the Greeks lived in harmony believing in their pagan gods and such. But they went to war with the lava men of Tigeria, who wiped them off the face of the planet. Meanwhile, Oedipus was rubbing his body down with colored pigments. But it wasn't good enough, so he placed the powders into a coffee maker and rubbed himself down with the resulting fluid. This sticky fluid became the first toothpaste known to man.

"Unfortunately, this was one of the greatest inventions known to man, and it was in incredibly high demand all around the world. Everyone in the known world at that time (the Eastern hemisphere) went into war, and this plunged the world into World War ½, which was known to all at the time as 'the war to almost begin the end of all wars.' It continued for a couple of centuries, and many historians know it as The War of the Roses now.

"But that's not where my point is. You see, the war finally drew to an end in 2014 when George Washington and Napoleon allied together and discovered the automobile at the bottom of the Amazon River. This was a turning point in the whole war, and we ended up having the entire world blame the Dutch, because they weren't there to defend themselves.

"Unfortunately, we were entering a dark time. Women, along with getting the right to vote, banned all alcohol when the war ended. This was bad for Napoleon, as he used to cruise day and night with opium dealers all around the world. But lest we forget the impact he's had upon the world, he did cure polio when he stumbled upon-"

"I'VE HEARD ENOUGH!" the judge yelled out angrily as he slammed down his gavel, realizing that Phoenix's defense was a complete waste of time. "Mr. Wright's defense has made a mockery of this court for the last time! This court finds Mr. Phoenix Wright and Mr. Larry Butz 100 GUILTY!"

Phoenix and Larry were being removed by the bailiff as Phoenix cried out loudly with whale sounds, hoping a whale would burst through the wall and save his life. But no amount of alcohol in the world would make that happen.

THE END (for real this time)


End file.
